Suicidal Remeniscence
by Kirikou
Summary: After Jesse's no-reason death and the new team member given to James, he finds himself unable to cope with the reality, and pills seem to be his only way out...


[Suicidal Reminiscence]  
---  
Kirikou  
[- 11/11/03 -]  
---  
  
"James, I'm going out for a while. Be back." A voice flittered through the small apartment building that James and his partner had been situated in, bouncing off the walls in all of its bouncy nature. James nodded, typing a few more things on the computer before turning around.  
  
"Alright." He sighed, watching as the little redhead stalked out the door towards her favorite destination: the mall. Meowth only rolled his eyes, tsking.  
  
"Does Toyo have to go shopping every day? Even Jesse didn't shop this much." The pokemon stopped his sentence, head bowed, eyes flicking over to James. He didn't even have to see the look apon his face to know what he felt. The name held a place in all of their hearts now that she was gone. Meowth sighed again, moving off, muttering something about heaven. James stared straight ahead at the wall, spacing out after Meowth's last comment. Jesse. His eyes fell to the floor. God he missed that woman.  
  
It had happened only three months ago, Jesse's mysterious death. She'd fallen into some coma for no reason at all. They'd been walking along and she'd just fallen. And had been in the hospital for a month. James had stayed by her side the whole time, not hesitating to shed a tear at the sight of her. Just the mention of her name now was enough to set him off. She'd lay there, her health depleting until there was barely a skeleton left. He sat there as she finally woke up, telling her last good-byes, and the last words that stuck in his head until even then. Her true feelings had been let out in that moment.  
  
"I love you, James. Don't ever stop being you." Then she'd taken her last breath, flat-lining as he sat, blue head tilted downward in a silent and pleading prayer. She couldn't just leave him alone like this! She had to come back! Bring her back God bring her back! The doctors took her body away, leaving James in the waiting room, where Giovanni had met him. He'd be getting a new partner in a few days. She was a good girl. He was so sorry for his loss. He didn't understand his loss!  
  
"I'm back!" Toyo screamed as she opened the door, her arms full of bags. She set them all down, giving James a squeeze and running off to try everything on. He hadn't even noticed as he sat there, that hours had passed. Toyo came back a moment later or maybe a few minutes later.  
  
"Are you alright?" She asked, a concerned look apon her bright face. James sighed, nodding and adding a fake smile just for emphasis. She only turned around, picking up the phone to call one of her girlfriends. Did you see that cute Growlithe? Didn't you just want to hug it?  
  
Jesse had told him to be himself.Don't ever stop being you, she'd said. He almost wanted to laugh as he got up, heading to his room. As he entered the room, he took a glance at his mirror. He wasn't himself anymore. He was some stranger!  
  
You don't realize Jesse; you don't realize what you've done to me.  
  
Ever since he had been paired up with Toyo, he'd become the automatic leader of the group, giving him so much more responsibility than he had before. He sat down on his bed, falling to lay and stare up at the ceiling. She'd loved him. Toyo had been showing some sort of crush on him lately, much like a bunch of other girls now that he seemed to be single this time. Nobody could take the place that Jesse had in his heart though, and he knew it well. If anything could fill that void.  
  
Nothing will ever fill that void, Jesse. You where the only one I cared for.  
  
Toyo was so much nicer to James though. He thought about this for a moment. Plus, she readily showed affection. He could only smile at the thought of her, but then his memories shifted. Sure Jesse had been cruel to him beyond what was humanly possible. She'd called him names all of the time. But they'd had their good times. He'd given up Jezebel not because she was proper and not because he was not. He didn't give her up because of anything she was. He gave Jezebel up for Jesse. Jesse was a rugged kind of person with a French pedicure, and the kind of thing he liked. And she wasn't always mean to him, he remembered. There where times when they had been alone, when she'd said things to him.  
  
When they where alone, she was the girl he loved so much. The person he now thought he couldn't live without. Everything's different now, Jesse. I liked it better when you where around.  
  
James went to his door, locking it and going back to his bed, eyeballing the objects on his dresser. He picked up the bottle, spilling the pills onto the bed and counting them all slowly. Where there enough there? Enough to put him to sleep forever.  
  
I hate my life now. Jesse, you where everything to me, don't you understand? EVERYTHING! Everything I ever loved and lived for! I had dreams for us, and I know you did too. As soon as we could have gotten out of Team Rocket.we'd run away, and stupid Meowth would get hit by a train. They'd get married.  
  
He'd planned his entire life around her, and now she was gone, and Toyo was in her place. That stupid little airhead, he thought. She was nice for all the wrong reasons. He would have rather been yelled at and beaten by Jesse than smiled at by Toyo. He'd love to move so far away from her that he could brag. He would have rather ripped out his brainstem, gone to the nearest four way intersection and jumped rope with it than get hugged by that girl.  
  
The only way to be rid of her, the only way to be rid of Team Rocket, of Meowth, of his god-forsaken life would be to go to sleep. He felt better in sleep. It was waking up that he feared the most. But more than that, waking up next to Toyo.He'd rather wake up next to a rotting corpse. He almost scared himself with this way his attitude was. He picked up the first of a hundred pills, twirling it between his digits. Here's to getting away, he thought, popping it into his mouth and swallowing. He only hoped that they wouldn't put him to sleep before he could finish them. He'd been calculating for weeks how long it would take him to down them all.  
  
A knock on his door.  
  
"James, are you in there?" It was Toyo. He growled to himself, taking another little purple pill just as she spoke. Only ninety eight more to go. He heard her on the other side, knocking once more before huffing and walking off, muttering something. No more interruptions. The third pill went down more quickly than the last two, and the seventh just as fast as the ones before it. --- "Meowth, I'm really worried about James. He hasn't been himself lately." Toyo spoke to the pokemon sitting on a sofa, listening intently. He liked Toyo. She was so much better than getting beat up all the time. This girl didn't believe in cruelty to pokemon, thankfully. Meowth sighed, shaking his head.  
  
"He's never himself anymore. You didn't know him before. He was an idiot before you showed up." He smiled his cat-smile, scratching his fur.  
  
"Really? I think he's cute." She smiled, scratching the pokemon behind the ear. "But really, is there anything I can do to make him feel better?"  
  
"I dunno." Meowth yawned, stretching and walking out the door. James was hopeless. ---  
  
The room was starting to swirl about him as he forced down another pill with water. He didn't expect to get sick from the pills. He only expected for them to do what they where made to do. Put people to sleep. He sat in the bathroom, hoping that he could take one more before he wretched it all and had to start over. At that point he started taking two at a time, which was easy because of their small size. He'd gotten practice, too, after getting shocked so many times by that stupid Pikachu that he couldn't think. Putting a hand on the wall to steady himself.or was that the floor, he tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling.or the wall? He couldn't tell up from down anymore, and the drowsiness was starting to take over. He forced himself to stay awake, fumbling another pill. He managed to sit up, leaning against the wall, breath heavy and ragged. It was getting difficult for him to breathe. I'm close, he thought, and took two more.  
  
He sighed, remembering all of those alone times he and Jesse had had, just sitting on the ground in the forest one time and talking.  
  
"What are you going to do with your life, James? I mean, once we get out of this." She sat intently beside him, poking him playfully.  
  
"Never really thought about it.I know! I could run my own cookie business!"  
  
"Why would you want to do that?"  
  
"So I could have as many cookies as I want, of course! Then I'll get another magicarp."  
  
"You have a one-track mind, don't you." She sighed, a smile crossing her crimson lips. Without even a second thought she'd reached over and kissed him. She never did figure out why she'd done that, but Meowth had returned, so there was no time to think about it. Jesse didn't realize it, but just that pointless act of love had caught him in a snare he'd never escape. She doesn't realize that she's ruined my life, he thought sadly, his mind returning to the pills that he was supposed to be finishing. There where only ten left, but he could barely bring himself to look at them. A single tear ran down his pale cheek, eyes hidden by his bangs. Hundreds and thousands followed that single as he gave up on sleep, falling into mourning for the thousandth time since Jesse had gone away.  
  
You don't understand how much I really loved you. I tried to tell you all of the time, but we where always so busy. We never had any time alone after that. Maybe you where avoiding me, maybe I was doing something stupid, but either way I never got my thoughts across. I couldn't even get the guts to tell you, as you died, damnit! Fuck it all, this life, Toyo, Meowth, anything that stopped me from saying what I had to say to you!  
  
His breathing was almost out of control as the bulk of his medicine took hold apon his small body, eating away at his life one pill at a time. It had taken three minutes to get rid of the last of them, as he sat there. He couldn't even sit anymore. He fell to the ground, completely exhausted the dark lines under his eyes telling no lies.  
  
"James, you in there?" That stupid voice echoed through his head, and he couldn't register whom it was. Quite frankly he didn't care. If it wasn't Jesse, it wasn't important. He suddenly felt a lack of air to his lungs, scratching at the floor with his nails as he fought to regain breathing. For some reason he couldn't stop choking.  
  
---  
  
"Meowth, I know you're in there!" the pokemon yelled through the door. Toyo had left on another shopping spree. He sighed, taking his claw and opening the door, wandering over to James's bed. There was an empty bottle laying there.sleeping pills. Meowth didn't even want to know what had become of all of those pills.His instincts told him to turn around, his eyes falling apon what he believed to be a body.  
  
"James!" He yelled, running over to what seemed to be a corpse.no, he was breathing! He turned the young man over on his back, watching him foam at the mouth, eyes staring into nothing. His breathing became shallower. He picked up a phone, dialing for the ambulance. He almost believed that it would be too late, but he couldn't loose the only other part of his team! James was all he had left!  
  
"Come on, wake up!" He shook the unconscious blue-haired boy, watching happily as he opened his eyes for a split second, but what he saw scared him. The eyes where bloodshot, his pupils completely dilated. His mouth parted in a smile, speaking.  
  
"I'll be with her now, Meowth. I'll be with her forever, just like we wanted."  
  
"No, You can't do dat!" He shook him again, thinking about slashing him across the face.but that would only make things worse. A tear came to his eye as James's eyes closed again, his smile falling away. The ambulance went through the door, a doctor coming in and examining the boy, head nodding. They had been too late to save him. Overdose, he'd said as he examined the pills. Recommended dosage was only four a day. Meowth sat on the ground, unable to think as they took his body away, watching his friend disappear, watching the look on Toyo's face as she walked in the door to this sight. What had driven him to do this?  
  
Meowth sighed, calling the boss. He knew exactly what had taken over James's life. He knew just why he hated life so much, and why he'd ended it.  
  
He'd died for love. 


End file.
